Nikki’s Blog

i am aware that the post i just made has a broken image and that all the pics are cut off. i will fix this at some point but right now…i am so frustrated with trying to make it work! i will try to fix it tomorrow.

i’ve been married for more than a week now and i’m still not used to it! i still get all excited whenever i think about it. it was a very awesome day- a little stressful at first but after the ceremony and everything, it was fabulous. we had a very relaxed and fun backyard reception and i had a GREAT time. nic’s parents did a TON of work fixing up the house for the reception and picking out really nice decorations for the backyard. i was soooo happy that my parents, sister, and niece drove all the way to michigan to be there- it would have been awful to get married without them!

me getting ready

kisses!

me and my dad

nic is PSYCHED!

we’re both psyched

wedding party!

during the best man’s toast

cake time! yes i had a wardrobe change.

nic’s parents got us the amazing gift of tickets to see the beatles LOVE cirque du soleil show in VEGAS! sooo, after the long drive to michigan and a week-long stay there, we made the even loooonger drive to vegas to see the show! it was absolutely incredible and i would love to go see it again!

some vegas pics!

the big color-changing sign outside of the theater

the show logo-signs on the outside of the mirage hotel, one blocked by palm trees. so cool!

the HUGE (and i mean HUGE) sign outside of the mirage advertising the show.

there is so much i could say about the wedding and our trip to vegas/home, but right now i am crazy tired from all the driving! i should be in bed but i’m not sleepy…yes, i know, tired but not sleepy makes no sense. but it’s true! i covered all the important stuff and posted pics, so that’s good enough. to finish off this blog, i’ll post my updated ‘visited states’ map. so many new states in the past week!

visited 22 states (44%)
Create your own visited map of The United States or Like this? try: The Next President

hi, anyone who still reads this. i never blog anymore. i dunno why. there’s not really very much to blog about. but, here’s a blog of the few things that are going on.

so, the anxiety stuff. not awesome, but getting there, i think. i found a new doctor who is fabulous, i am back on the old meds, and now i’m just waiting for them to fully work. it’s been about a month but i’ve read it can take up to 2. i’m hoooooping that they’ll work as well as they did before i (stupidly) stopped them, but there’s nothing to do but wait and see. i really really really don’t want to have to start over on something new…but i won’t know for awhile, i guess. i really need something to make it better because i’m really freaked out about getting a job…i do NOT like the thought of panic attacks at a workplace. at all.

next up, i have fabulous insomnia. i’m still trying to find something to help. i was given ambien, fail. lunesta, fail. melatonin, valerian, allergy pills, unisom, fail fail fail fail. i ordered some kava kava root (can’t seem to find it anywhere), which i’ve heard is really good, so i’m excited for that to get here. i mean, it’s kind of nice sitting around in the quiet until 3-4am, but it’s a messed up sleep schedule and it’s bad for my anxiety. being up all alone gives me too much time to think about things, which makes me find things to worry about, which brings anxiety and panic attacks. so, i’m working to fix it.

next, i am currently on day 5 of a pretty bad headache. well, it varies in intensity throughout the day, but it’s been pretty bad. it even went away for a few hours yesterday, which was AWESOME! excedrin migraine doesn’t help, and fioricet (which nearly ALWAYS works) isn’t touching it. vicodin made it much less severe for a little while. caffeine doesn’t help. so, i’m not really sure what else to try. i don’t really want to pay to go see the doctor, but i guess if it continues i’m going to have to.

OKAY! moving on to the awesome happy positive things. i figured i’d get the bad stuff out of the way first. first, i love my niece so much it’s insane. she turned 2 in april. she’s just a little tiny (small for her age) crazy super smart ball of energy. every time i see her, she’s saying something new or showing me something new that she can do. she absolutely loves nic, and he absolutely loves playing with her, so it’s SO cute to watch them together. she finds him completely hilarious, so whenever they are playing i get to hear crazy hysterical giggles, and i LOVE that sound. (speaking of zooey, the ice cream truck just went by. she LOVES the ice cream truck - not for ice cream, she doesn’t like ice cream, she just likes the music and loves to see the truck. so cute.)

I AM GETTING MARRIED IN 26 DAYS! i am so crazy excited for this. i posted the pictures of the bouquets yesterday, and i can’t stop looking at them. i love that they will never go bad and i will always have my flowers. also, fake flowers are immensely cheaper than real ones. a couple of people i showed the pictures to thought they were real. i still have to wait a few weeks to get my dress back from alterations- it won’t be back until the monday before we leave (that saturday) for michigan. i hope it’s all okay because there won’t be time to fix anything! tonight we’re going to men’s wearhouse to do tux stuff. we’re dragging my dad along in case they’re going to do fittings. after that’s taken care of, it’s really just waiting to go. once we get there we need to pay for the food and stuff, but that’s about it. i can’t believe it’s so soon! i get to marry the best, most wonderful, sweetest, most patient and understanding guy EVER. he makes me so happy and i am so excited that i get to be with him forever. I LOVE YOU NIC!

so…i think that’s it. the good stuff and the yucky stuff. not a whole lot, really.

i know. i haven’t blogged in months. i’ll try to write a new one soon. but, for now, i have to post pictures of the WEDDING BOUQUETS! we picked them up from michael’s crafts today- they’re gorgeous. i’m sooooo excited. these aren’t the best pics, the lighting isn’t great…they look WAY better for real.

my bouquet

the bridesmaids’ bouquets

so yeah, i haven’t posted in a million years. not a whole lot new going on. had the flu for a week, that sucked. anxiety issues, lots of those.

it’s naerly 4am and i am keeping myself awake worrying about the wedding. i’m not worried about paying for it anymore, i’m just worried about logistics and getting it all together. i’m mainly worried about getting my parents to michigan (because i can’t do this without them) and how my sister will handle it with the baby and everything. i wish we had more time. i just really need it to all work out. even if they just come the day before and leave the day after…ugh. i know it’s stupid to worry about things i can’t control but i can’t help it. it’s a big important day and i need my family there…i just need to hope it all works out.

blah.

i don’t know why i always feel like blogging when i’m not entirely awake. i feel like what i type doesn’t make a lot of sense, but i do it anyway.

so, it’s a new year. lots of stuff happened in 2008. i quit my job. i lived in 3 different states, after living in MA for 25 years. i got engaged (i think this is my favorite thing that happened!). nic actually moved to texas and we’re done with long distance (probably tied with getting engaged). those are the big things. it was kind of a crazy year, but i enjoyed it.

lots of stuff will happen in 2009, too. i’ll find a new job. meet lots of new people. get married (can’t wait for this one!).

unrelated to new years stuff, i used my christmas money to buy an iphone. it’s freakin’ sweet.

see, i thought i had a lot to write about, and now i’m blank. oh well. basically, lots of stuff has happened…and lots is going to happen. my anxiety is mostly under control for now, which is awesome. and i’m happy. things are really good.

so, i didn’t blog at all during our trip, but nic did! nic’s blog is here: http://www.nicgordon.com . 

we left on thursday (12/18) around 2:30pm…it was a bit of a later start than we’d planned but it worked out okay. we stopped for the night around 9:30pm in indianapolis, directly across the street from the colts stadium. our room was pretty sweet, it was the holiday inn express and the bed was enormous! we even had a couch.

the next day we left around 10am and got to st. louis around 2pm (time change) to check out the arch. turns out there’s a whole ‘westward expansion’ museum UNDERNEATH the arch. we had no idea. we parked in a parking garage and walked through a little park to get to the arch, and we noticed there were stairs going down and a little tunnel underneath, so we went to check it out. it was a whole museum (it even had 2 shops in it!) and security to get in was pretty much just like the airport only you could keep your shoes on. it was nuts. after the arch we drove another 4 hours to get to our hotel in jopin, missouri. on the way we stopped for dinner at an applebee’s that turned out to be super awesome. the food was great and the service was really awesome.

yesterday was our LAST day on the road, wooooo! it was about 7 hours on the road, and we only stopped for gas and to eat. we got here to amarillo around 7pm, and my mom had dinner all cooked and my sister was here waiting for us, which was awesome. and if holly was here that means zooey was here, which was so great. i love my zooey!

today i woke up at 7am, feeling sick…couldn’t get back to sleep. i felt better later though, and we went to target and the grocery store to pick up a few things, then watched the patriots game. other than that, we’ve just been slowly unpacking (already almost done!) and getting settled in.

nic says he loves it here already, and i HOPE he really does! i’m so nervous that he won’t like it here, cuz i love him tons and i need him here!

last night we had christmas with nic’s family, since we’re leaving in a week (zomfg exactly one week and i’ll be on the road!). i spent the day with his parents, sister, grandmother and niece while he was at work, and we cooked and played games and it was really fun. i learned how to make mashed potatoes from scratch from nic’s dad. nic got home pretty much just in time for dinner to be done. we had ham and the potatoes i helped make, and corn and rolls and green beans and a bunch of other stuff i didn’t really eat but there was lots of food.

after that we had presents and i got a lot more stuff than i had expected. nic’s grandmother gave me a little bag with yummy smelling bath stuff in it, and some money, and nic’s parents gave me more yummy smelling bath stuff, super warm and fuzzy PJ pants (which i love so much- PJ pants are awesome) and some money. it was very cool.

i feel very lucky to have such a cool bunch of future in-laws. i know a lot of people don’t get along with their in-laws but i have a great time with mine. it’s true that i can’t WAIT to get back home to texas, but i’m glad i was able to spend some time living here to get to know them better. so yeah. yesterday was a really awesome day. tonight is game night with some friends, tomorrow night is nic’s company christmas party…monday night nic’s going to a red wings game with his friends, tuesday is his last day at work, wednesday is what i guess is a bit of a going-away party, and thursday we are OUTTA HERE.

busy times, fun times, anxious times. i’m worried about how nic will like texas and if he’ll be happy and stuff, but i’m hoping more than anything that it’ll all be good and all work out. we’ll be back here to visit, and hopefully people will come visit us.

so yeah. that’s about all for now, methinks.

started some new meds on friday…waiting for them to start working. will probably be another week and a half or even longer, could take up to a month. REALLY hoping these ones will help, because it just feels like it’s becoming too much sometimes.

i think i feel the best when i’m in this little room with my futon and my books and DVDs and games…and there’s nothing here to worry me except my thoughts. those, unfortunately, follow me everywhere. i wish i could stay in my room all the time but that’s impossible. i’m going back to michigan on the first…and when we get back it’ll be time to start working again. the thoughts follow me everywhere, but at least in my room i can cry if i feel like it without worrying what everyone is thinking.

i need to find a way to deal with it all, whether or not the meds work for me. i can’t be getting upset at a job. i can’t spend my whole life afraid of ‘what ifs’ and feeling scared for sometimes no reason at all. there has to be a way to make it easier. i hope more than anything that these meds will help me. it feels like it’s worse now than it ever was before. it’s scary feeling as if it’ll never get better.

i have the best fiance and best family ever, otherwise i don’t know how i’d get through this.

i just want to feel better. i want to feel good again.

i was very right in my last post when i said i should still be on meds. things have gotten much, much worse and it’s really starting to freak me out. i had an hour-long panic attack last night and i thought it was never going to end. i cry out of nowhere, for no reason. i’m scared of everything, things i never used to be scared of. it feels like relapse times one million. it’s horrible. i’m fairly calm right now because i took my last anxiety pill and it’s actually working. i’m sad because i had such a good day on sunday and then BAM things went wacky. i’m flying home tomorrow for 2 weeks and the trip is making me nervous, and i’ve never been nervous like this about that. i’ll get into texas around 8:30pm and then i have a job interview the next morning at 9am. i’m FREAKING OUT about the interview and i can’t figure out why. i’ve had job interviews before. sometimes i got the job, sometimes i didn’t, but i was always okay. for some reason i’m just super scared and super nervous and it makes no sense.

my wonderful mother is taking care of me by setting up an appointment with a doctor on friday morning, and paying for it for me because i have no money or insurance at this point. nic is taking care of me, he is going above and beyond and i’m so grateful to him. it used to be (before i knew him) that i’d get anxious or have a panic attack and whichever ex i was with at the time would pretty much ignore me. i know that they couldn’t fix it or even help that much. honestly, all i wanted was someone to sit with me, hug me, and tell me they loved me and i’d be okay. nic does all that stuff without being asked…i mean, i cried for an entire HOUR last night and he was there the whole time. i couldn’t breathe, i couldn’t explain what was wrong, but he just sat with me calmly and waited it out with me. i had to convince him to go to sleep last night because sitting up with me wouldn’t make it very much better, and i didn’t want to force him to stay awake. he’s actually canceling plans tonight to stay home with me. i can’t imagine what i’ll do for the next two weeks while i’m away. at least i’ll have my family. i’m so grateful that nic is moving with me next month. i probably need him a bit too much, but thankfully i HAVE him.

so yeah. i’m rambling and i know it. it’s just been such a weird time for me emotionally/mentally lately, and i honestly don’t know what to do to feel better so i’m hoping the doctor will help. SOMETHING needs to be done.

i’m very grateful for the bit of peace that my last pill is giving me. hopefully i can make it through until i get home tomorrow night to get another one.

sorry for the long ramblings.